You are not alone!
On this page you can read about experiences that members of our group have gone through in dealing with the gay/Jewish issue. We would appreciate your contribution to this page. If you have a story you'd like to share please e-mail it to: webmaster@JQYouth.org
Growing Up Different
In the 12th grade we had one new student in our class in my yeshiva, a transfer student from a frum community in the Midwest. I had the biggest crush on him the entire year! I would try and let him see that I was interested but I was so scared of exposure that I was too subtle for him to pick up on any of it. I would always try to be his chavrusa, when I was around him, even learning some baba kamah turned into the most exciting thing possible!
When I was 6 my sister took me to see Dirty Dancing. At the shabbos table that week I told my parents that I thought Patrick Swayze was cute. My, my...I remember an awkward silence. Hmmm...do ya think they knew?
I'm standing in this out-of-town shul, and as I'm davening some hottie walks in and of course I'm checking him out ever so subtly. I later feel evil inside when I find out he's the rabbi's son.
Marriage Pressure
Since I was 18 my parents (who I'm not out to) have put ever increasing pressure on me to go on shidduch dates with various girls. I used to go on them just to placate my parents and take some of the pressure off. Having said that, I did think at the time that maybe that one girl would come along who COULD make it work. It never happened, and after a while I just couldn't bring myself to go on these dates. The pressure does keep getting more intense, and sometimes it really does get to me, but I know I can't give in anymore. It's wrong for me and for that girl who could be spending the evening with a guy who could offer her the potential for real love. It still really pains me though.
Getting Married
The Single Chasidishe Lesbian Mother: At the age of 17 I got engaged to a young man. It was an arranged marriage, in which I got to meet the boy for 3 hours after that I was engaged. We got married when I was 18 and began having children soon after. I was 20 when I had an affair with a woman, and did not realize that there were people that lived their life with the same sex partner. I couldn't be with 2 people at once and so I stopped the affair. But I began to question my identity and this led me to a road of discovery. Unlike many people with these questions, I did not have any preconceived negativity to my sexuality and I embarrassed it as a part of who I am. At the age of 23 with 3 kids and a call to 911, I left an abusive marriage behind. I still wonder: if he would have been a nice guy, would I have uprooted my kids from a stable home because of my identity? Probably not. But even if I would be straight this marriage needed to come to an end. I am still a halachik Jew, however unlike my upbringing my kids are in Yeshivas and Bais Yaakovs, as opposed to the chassidik school I attended as a child. I enjoy the tradition and joy of shabbos and the fulfillment of leading a committed life. I hope to instill this love of torah to my children. However being a lesbian in the frum world poses many a hardship. I am in the closet to most of my friends and family, but attend support groups such as JQYouth and Orthodykes. I have formed a large network of friends and that in addition to my faith keep me going. We all have our struggles, regardless of our orientation straight, gay, bi, trans, or lesbian. However, you are not alone! If you reach out you will find help. As a human being you deserve the support you can get, DON'T BE A STRANGER.
Coming Out
Coming from an ultra orthodox black hat yeshiva in Brooklyn, I really didn't expect my best friend to react well when I told him I was attracted to other guys. Still, I felt I had to tell him because I was sick of making excuses about who my new friends were, where I was going, what I was doing, etc., etc. When I finally told him, he was initially shocked and had no idea how to react. We didn't speak for a few days. Later that week he came over to my house and told me he would always be there for me, no matter what. It's a moment i'll never forget. I now feel closer to him than ever before.
Growing up, I always heard about this horrible concept of homosexuality that didn't "chas v'chalila" affect the orthodox world. It was a concept of hedonism, of sodom; it was for the lowest people who got bored of indulging their sexual desires in women, so they moved on to men! What is the point, I sometimes ask myself, of letting the orthodox world know that we exist in YOUR classrooms, in YOUR yeshivas, and in YOUR seminaries? From my own experience of "coming out" (which I never did in the full sense of the word), the idea of someone coming from a good, frum, and respectable family and being gay was sooooo far out, that I had to "force" people to see that "something was up" with me! Of course I couldn't tell anyone, b/c the shock would be too devastating. Instead, I grew cold, obnoxious, and distant. With biting comments, I hurt parents, loved ones, and friends which ultimately ate me up inside little by little..........still today. I wanted the ones who were close in my life, to ask themselves: "what is up with him", "something is changing". No matter how many hints I dropped, the idea that I was homosexual was still an "impossibility" for a frum jew, and never entered my mind. I had to intensify the attitude, the hints, and the apathy for things that were so dear to me such as "frumkeit". Where do I stand now? Well, my best friend knows, and my parents now have let the thought brush their minds (they have made some pretty obvious statements). However, in order to achieve only this minute "brush - of - the - mind", I had to go through very stressful and hurtful phases, both for me and my loved ones. Therefore, I believe it is integral that we have the orthodox world know we are here and we exist within their communities.. ..we come from the best families, and this issue is not going to go away. Let future parents of gay/lesbian frum children "suspect"..........wouldn't it make it that much easier for us?
"If you're running from the vision that's in your eyes theres a collision with what's inside." This past Yom Kippur I was called up for an alliya right at the part where they read the sexual prohibitions. I felt that was some sort of message from Hashem. Oddly enough, a few weeks after that i told my parents about....well.... me...I was asked if I felt free or liberated, I honestly didn't feel any sort of change, things just kind of continued to be as they were before. Now it's just day by day and dealing with things as they come. Life will forever keep throwing stumbling blocks at you. It is of great comfort to know that someone is there to cushion the fall and help you back up "Great success are built on taking your negatives and turning them around"
Meeting New Friends
Even though I accepted I was gay over a year ago, I was paranoid about making new friends with gay people and others that would understand me. I was really scared, and it held me back from doing anything other than sitting at home and feeling lonely and miserable. Meeting the guys and girls at JQYouth was a big step. I started by getting on their e-mail chat list for a few months. This gave me a good idea about the kind of people in the group and showed me that we're all dealing with the same stuff one way or another. In fact when I finally went to one of their meetings a few months later, I felt like I already knew most of the group already. Since joining I've made some great friends and have begun to feel a lot more comfortable about being gay and frum.